"To Live or not to live." It is the title of Chapter 24 of my book dealing with youth suicide. "Just Keep Moving" I was quickly reminded this morning of the sentiment behind it.
The phone rang, and as I answered, I heard a faint voice, it was my good friend from Houston. She usually is very chipper, but this time her mood was solemn. I immediately knew something was wrong. She reluctantly informed me that a young girl we had known and watched grow up had taken her life. As the initial shock wore off, I felt chills roll through my body, and tears rolled down my face.
My heart felt for her parents and those she left behind. I felt a tremendous sadness overcome me. She described this young girl's desperate action, and I quickly realized we would never hear her story. I thought about the pain she must have been going through to take her own life and how she must have struggled for so long before actually taking the steps. She must have replayed how it would happen and who knows how many times she attempted it before actually taking action.
This young girl taking her own life is a wake-up call that not everyone can get past their feelings of despair. So many young kids go through the motions of existing, and when it gets unbearable, they don't reach out for help. Maybe they see their situation as a weakness. But it is not a weakness. It is life, and life is overwhelming. The emotional stress of growing up is hard enough, and when you factor in the environment, peer pressure, and home life, it is sometimes hard to deal with it all.
I could relate to this young girl even though I had not seen her in a while. I understood her and the actions that she decided to take. My mind flashed back to my own past. As I was growing up, the thought of ending my life entered my mind over and over. I wished for relief from the pain that dwelled inside of me and often time did not find it. I would spin out of control, and feelings of despair and hopelessness would take over me. It was a feeling like no other, and I remember the grief being so unbearable that I could only see one way out. The feeling of being different, weird, and not fitting in was immense. I felt like my skin did not fit my body and that every bad thing that happened to me was a punishment for my existence. I felt unworthy of being loved.
I am lucky I found my way out, I used my strength to propel me to the next stage in my life, and with every step, I grew stronger and stronger. I wished this young girl who took her life could have found that strength and propelled herself forward. If I could have talked to her, I would have told her that life would improve. I would have assured her she had self-worth and existed for a purpose, that the only real love she needed was self-love. I would have reminded her that the sheer gift of living and filling our lungs with air every day was worth continuing and that her energy was vibrant and could help others around her move forward.
I have had four drowning incidents, even after swim lessons for years—each resulting in someone pulling me out of the water. Neither time did I plan to end my life, but I did give up each time and did not make an effort to come to the surface. This action of giving up and not rising keeps us down, so find the value in your life and rise to the top.
My goal now more than ever is to reach out to all those people, particularly all the young adults in our communities struggling with life. I am here to tell you and testify that the feelings don't last. They will pass, and life will give you a sense of belonging that will keep you going beyond just existing. I believe my purpose came to me from my refusal to give up. No matter how difficult life got, I always knew it was temporary.
The most critical factor is realizing and acknowledging the feelings that come up. Fighting emotion is a struggle, especially when you have no one to talk to. I urge you to surround yourself with people even when you want to hide. If you are one of these people, find a place to vent. Call a friend, a parent, or a teacher. Reach out. There are people who will catch you.
While writing my book, I recognized certain behaviors about myself. Things would go well, but when I hit particular walls and obstacles, my subconscious would make its presence and give me a glimpse of how ending my own life would be easier than barring all the chaos. I did not speak to anyone, but I did write my feelings and would read them over and over until I found comfort. In some way, you could say I learned to self-soothe. Do whatever it takes, but don't give up.
So if you feel this way, tell people how you feel. You are not alone and don't have to bear it all on your own. When people read my book and share their stories, they usually tell me they have had the thought at least once in their life. That's the thing. It only takes a split second to make a terrifying decision, and there is no taking it back. Today there are many resources. Individuals you can call who care and want to help. Don't leave your story untold. Shout to the world how you feel, there will be no judgment, and the support you receive will surprise you.
The fact is suicidal thoughts may not go away forever, but if they resurface, you'll have the tools to deal with them. Always have a number handy, have an outlet whether it's working out, working anything that will distract you.
My struggle is not over. Today I still get sad and sit and dwell on the what-ifs. For many individuals, including myself, the Holiday Season can be the hardest. This year, in particular, is going to be difficult for me. It'll be the first time I have been without my children since they were born. It is shocking how sad and anxious I become as the Christmas Holiday approaches. For me, Christmas was never a celebration until I had my children, and they changed my sentiment. Their absence is one I'll deal with, along with all the feelings that will rush from my past. I'm preparing to find people to surround myself with and ensuring I have the tools I'll need to get through it.
As this too shall pass, I’ll take time to reflect on the root of the sadness. Processing where it stems from and hopefully riding it once and for all.
For now, my heartfelt love, energy, and sincerity go out to that young girl who felt so hopeless and took her life and to all the struggling people. Just know you are not alone, and nothing last forever; all the feelings will pass, and you'll come out stronger.
If you need help talk to someone, please call 988.
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