Have you ever felt that you were in between stages of your life? That you are trying to figure out what to do next. You're somewhat content, but not really. You want more for yourself, but you need to figure out what that more is. You need to find out what's missing or how to get it. That is my in-between world.
I recently hired a photographer to take lifestyle pictures of me, and as he took the photos, I would drift off every once in a while with a blank look. It was like I was in deep thought, but in reality, I was not thinking of anything; I was just in a spatial state of mind. The photographer cleverly called me out on my in-between stare during the shoot. He said, "you are not smiling, and you are not angry. You have an emotionless look." It was an aha moment. I knew exactly what he was talking about.
I had done this in the past but did not think much about it, and I most definitely did not have a name for it until now.
People have come up to me on several occasions, and I've been startled because I was in this trance. I was grateful he pointed it out. He captured a picture of me in the in-between world to make things even better. He referenced it to "Stranger Things ."For those who have seen the show, you know what I'm talking about; for those who have not, well, it's like being in a dream cycle.
When I go into this deep trance, I seem to be distancing myself from everything around me. It always happens when I'm in an uncomfortable situation, hence being in front of a camera. I go into my mind and become voided from the world. It's my escape.
I recognized that I became nonexistent instead of dealing with doubts and questions. It made me think about how often I go into this state of mind. The thought of having to figure out my needs scares me.
Even if they were in front of me, how would I identify them if I didn't know what they looked like or felt like? After thinking about it for a while, I decided to make a list of what I wanted out of life. I sat down at my desk, determined to create an excel spreadsheet to answer all the questions. I made four columns, the typical pros and cons, the must-haves, and the nice-to-haves. I took it one step further to divide my list into categories: romantic relationships, friendships, work, and home-life balance. After doing this, things became more apparent to me, but I still didn't know how to get to what I needed.
At this point, my marketing analytical side took over, and I decided to do more research about the people I surrounded myself with, their behaviors, and their relationships. After all, they were my examples. If I associate myself with people I love and trust, I should be able to learn from them. I began to observe and recognize how they conducted themselves in their relationships. If I related to their interaction, I noted that I could aspire to simulate that A good example, so to speak But if it was a behavior I did not like, I did not judge, but I noted it as "I don't want to be like that." It began to produce a clearer picture of what I wanted.
As a child, I always needed a better example of a good relationship in the form of a romantic and friendly family environment. For some, these are essential skills they learned early in life, but I was not privy to this. This exercise helped put me on a more straightforward path to understanding what I needed.
Not only did things become more transparent on how to reach my path, but I was able to recognize another aspect of how my mind was going into the in-between world. It was another awakening. I discovered that I was mistaking familiarity with attraction. I am constantly concerned that I am attracted to the "wrong" type of guy, But in reality, it is not a function of my judgment; It is a function of my brain. In other words, my brain goes to what is familiar. It recognizes a behavior and tends to gravitate to its comfort, but at the same time, I feel of sense of guilt as my subconscious is telling me it is not suitable for me. It is not an attraction. It is simply familiarity. If this happens to you, stop and ask yourself if it is a familiarity or a real attraction.
I have a lot of mixed feelings, along with doubts about relationships. I second-guess myself and wonder if I am sabotaging my happiness or reacting to familiar feelings that make me uncomfortable If I am responding to familiar feelings, am I overthinking them? It is a tricky question to answer While I beat myself up for reacting to these familiar feelings, I'm also grateful I am acknowledging them. I'll need to work on my reaction to be more conscious of the impact, cause, and effect.
I heard a song the other day that resonated with me. Part of the lyrics was, "love me until I learn to love myself." How beautiful is it that someone can give you the benefit of the doubt and love you despite your inability to believe and love yourself? If more of us practiced this, relationships would last longer. Unconditional love There is a certain acceptance and beauty in considering the entire person, not just discarding them because they exhibit insecurities. It is so pure and simple "Just love them, and they will learn to love themselves."
Recently I started to take some classes to better my marketing skills. In the course, we study and learn people's behaviors and how consumers make choices. I realized that those behavioral patterns don't just apply to online shopping. It is the same touch points we go through in relationships and the same barriers to choosing the right people in our lives.
While trying to find my way during this time in my life, I will be gentle with myself and give myself time to figure out what I need without judgment. I will do my best to silence the voices in my head that keep telling me I am failing. After all, I am my worst critic. The truth is every step I take brings me closer to happiness. With every letdown, I become stronger, as each and every one of you will, too. By taking risks, we become a better version of ourselves. Life is about lessons. You have to live to learn.
During this time in my journey, I will figure out who I am through more self-reflection. I am scared of being alone and never finding my perfect person, But it will come as long as I am clear on my path and create the way.
I will focus on what I do know. I want a relationship filled with love and respect where I am comfortable letting go and giving in to all my desires while my partner loves me the way I am—a passionate source of energy full of life willing to be vulnerable to connect with another. Until I find this person, my anthem is none other than Miley Cyrus's new song "Flowers" it says it all We are more than enough Everything else is just extra.
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