At 53, I decided to change careers and follow my dream of helping others by becoming a published writer. I leaped into this venture with no real training or understanding other than a plethora of experience in burying my feelings and desires, staying silent, and allowing others to treat me with disrespect and somehow coming out of it a better person.
I ventured out to talk to people about my past, path, and the strength I gained during my journey. After years of being silent, my story needed telling, so I set out to write my memoir, hoping the skills I learned could help others fast track to a happier life. I was gun-ho and ready to go!
Using my background in marketing, I thought about making a video to promote myself, my book, and my mission. I wanted to create a video urging people to speak their truth and let go of unwanted feelings that bog them down. I rehearsed what I was going to say and wrote a script with empowering words.
As I prepared, I thought about how I would style my hair, what clothes to wear, what colors would pop, and how to apply my makeup. I thought about the background and lighting and how everything had to be perfect.
Reflecting on my process, I realized I was hiding and wasn't putting myself out there to discuss how I felt. How could I speak to people about telling their truth if I was not speaking or showing mine?
So, after all that, here I am. Instead of putting on makeup and making myself something I'm not. I decided to show my authentic self and wear my feelings as my shield. I like to call this my -(AEIGS) Anxiety, Embarrassment, Insecurity, Guilt, and Shame.
The AEIGS was a shield used by Zeus and Athena, the Greek gods, for defense. They wore this symbolic shield over their clothes, giving them extra protection. The shield was said to display the head of a Gorgon (an ugly monster with snakes in place of hair), and it made a monstrous roar during battle. I, too, take my uncomfortable, ugly feelings and use them as a powerful tool and shield to fight my internal struggle and speak my truth.
Anxiety- is fear that manifests itself—the fear of failure, the fear of judgment. As a child, negative words of inadequacy drilled into me, and I believed them until I realized I was in control of my success. All I needed to do was work hard and believe, and success would manifest. As I write this, anxiety builds with fear of judgment from my peers, failing, and being unable to help others. But I reject the anxiety as I remind myself that I decided to put myself out there, which is successful enough in bringing positivity.
Embarrassment- I will not lie. This feeling is with me always. From the moment I open my mouth, I am embarrassed about what I said before I even say it. I constantly think that people are disappointed in me and that what I am saying or doing is dumb. I have constant feelings of not fitting in because I'm just not like others. But I've learned to lean into this feeling and embrace not being or thinking like everyone else. Instead of embarrassment making me uncomfortable, I have chosen to use it as a tool to remind myself how unique I am.
Insecurity- I am constantly going over in my head the words I have spoken or the actions I have taken. I analyze and tear them apart, looking for holes and often beating myself up. I dare take on a new task or project such as this one, and I am excited but soon start with the self-doubt and begin to convince myself that it is a bad idea that I am not qualified to stand in front of people and give my advice or opinion. As this happens, I catch myself and use this vulnerability to grow and push forward, creating successful moments to build on and become stronger.
Guilt- This one is my most significant and most powerful feeling. I feel guilty for what I've done, haven't done, will do, and think. I live on guilt. I feel guilty for standing up for myself. I feel guilty for having a victorious moment. I feel guilty when I am happy or experience an achievement. I've learned to recognize where the guilt comes from and unassign it from my thoughts. My guilt comes from once again taking responsibility for others' actions when they wouldn't—my failure to control situations that I deemed unacceptable. I catch the guilty moments and do a reality check, reminding myself to give back to others, to be considerate and compassionate.
Shame- is a feeling I have carried with me for most of my life. I feel ashamed of what others have done to me and how others have treated me. I realized while writing my memoir that the shame is not mine to carry. It is for the people who mistreated me to bear. They need to own it, so I gave it back to them by letting it go. But this is easier said than done. It creeps back as I speak of specific incidents in my life. I feel it right now as I am writing. At the same time, I remind myself I did not ask for neglect and disregard and refuse it as I replace it with pride.
So there you have it, these are my feelings and thoughts. I use them as my shield (AEIGS), replacing the bad feelings with good ones, and invite you to do the same.
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