I like to think of myself as someone who lives in the moment, a spiritual person that experiences each second to the fullest. But it wasn't until recently that I discovered what that meant.
In the past, I have had great, good, and some pretty bad moments—all within a thirty-minute span. I'm laughing and having a good time, and suddenly my mind flashes to a thought from the past, or my mind starts scanning through my to-do list, and I start to get anxious. Then there are the times when I feel like I don't deserve to be happy and, therefore, something terrible will happen, and I sit around waiting for that awful thing to happen that never does. The anticipation of what my mind thought would happen or should be happening was controlling me in between my moments of being.
When I got divorced, I thought I would be the happiest person on earth. When this was not the case, I blamed myself and took responsibility for things I did not cause. I would wake up in the morning dreading opening my eyes because I did not want to go through the roller coaster ride of emotions. I wanted to be happy. I mean, who doesn't? I had gotten what I wanted. I was free of negative rhetoric, could make my own choices, and did not have to worry about what anyone would think or feel. I blamed my ex-husband for my unhappiness, but in reality, he was not all to blame. Nobody can make you feel any particular way. You choose to feel sadness, anger, and anxiety. If only I knew then what I know now. I remember saying to myself, "If only I could get into my new house, I'll be happy." When I did, I was still not happy. "If only I can get another job, then I'll be happy." When I did, I was still not satisfied.
It wasn't until a few weeks ago I took my daughter to San Diego to tour colleges. Ekhart Tolle is one of my daughter's favorite spiritual teachers, and he happened to be live in Los Angeles during that time. We jumped on a train from San Diego to Los Angeles to hear him speak. After a stressful venture to downtown Los Angeles, we finally made it in and took our seats. I listened tentatively, grasping to every word he said, but there was a straightforward phrase that struck me. Even though I've probably heard this several times before, this time, his words really resonated with me. "You don't need to attach yourself to anything to have value."
I analyzed the words, and as I thought of all the things I had attached myself to and mentally let them go, a specific relief took over me. I suddenly realized that my sheer existence was good enough for me to be happy. I don’t need to be someone's wife, mother, or co-worker. I alone can be happy with the present moment. It sounds so simple but so hard to realize.
I walked out to the arena, and as I was leaving, I could feel layers of me dropping. Being someone's partner, status in my inner circle, being the best daughter, best friend, etc. So many things started shedding. I could feel myself tingling. My inner voice stepped in as it often does, and I heard. "It will only last a short while before you return to the same thinking pattern." I choose to ignore it. The next day, I was so present the colors around me looked vibrant. The world around me seemed different. I wanted more. I did not want the feeling to dissipate.
Upon our return to Austin, I was still on a high about my newfound inner peace. I could feel the wind caress my body, and I would tingle. The birds chirped louder, and the trees seemed to come out to greet me. I've never felt so alive it was euphoric. Even sitting in my son's 1.5-hour carpool line for school was enjoyable.
I was so grateful to be alive and present. The daily grind was still there. I still had to work, be a mom, and navigate life, but it felt different. I just kept thinking I didn't want to return to the anxiety and fear. I don't want to live on a rollercoaster.
As the weeks have gone by, some of the euphoria is gone, but I can still feel it there and have a great sense of being. When I veer off and begin to ponder negative thoughts or feel lost, I remember how good it felt to be alive and focus on my breathing to bring me back to a peaceful state.
I always considered myself an introvert and realized I'd spent most of my life hiding because I did not want to be seen. Thinking I was shy. But recently, I've learned that I have a big ego. It's my ego that keeps me from maximizing my potential. My fear of failing is due to the fear that people will see me fail. I fear others noticing me because I'm afraid that people will not like what they see. When I drop the ego, I realize that it does not matter how others see me or what others think of me. The only thing that matters is the energy I am putting out now and the energy I choose to receive.
Once I started letting go of my ego, fear and anxiety relinquished, and I could do more, say more, but most importantly, I could be there for my family and friends. When my daughter goes on a rampage, I listen and do not react. I keep calm and smile at her. She stops and says, "ok, I get it; maybe I'm overreacting, and I need to be happy with the present moment." As before, I felt it necessary for me to teach her a lesson about what she was ranting about or tell her she was being negative.
Living in the present moment is not easy, but you become better at it with practice. It all seems like a bunch of words until you really experience it, and when you do, you don't want to let go. It is a state of being that brings peace and allows you to go beyond the material.
I still have rollercoaster days, but they are mini rollercoasters, and the more I practice, the fewer rides I go on. So, when you find yourself wishing you were happy, breathe. Feel your presence, close your eyes and be grateful for what you have. We can all think of at least one thing that brings us gratitude.
I like to do a little exercise to remind myself of my being. I go outside, close my eyes and extend my hands out. I feel the sun and the wind and focus on my hands. I can feel the energy flowing through my body. My hands feel heavy, alive. My body shines with a bright light that flows in a circular motion. I open my eyes and remind myself that my body is just a vessel holding in my presence, and that moment is the only moment that matters and where I am supposed to be.
I encourage you to find your inner peace and explore your being. As a society, if we all could find this, our world would be a much happier place, but for now, I will continue to do my part. Just keep moving!
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