Spending 25 years in a relationship and trying to get away from a narcissist, I ponder why I am so attracted to them. I am a magnet for this type of person, and although I can see them coming from a mile away, fully aware of the damage they cause, I get lured into their charm. I find them intoxicating, and I'm instantly attracted. It's safe to say they are my type. Not proud of it, but it's a fact I'm learning I need to face. I recognize all the signs and warnings and realize I should run in the opposite direction but instead, I fall right into their lap.
The word narcissist is being thrown around a lot lately, and most people roll their eyes when you mention it. Unless you are a victim, and then you instantly understand. So with that in mind, what exactly is a narcissist? The textbook definition is A mental condition where people have an inflated sense of their own importance, along with a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.
My definition of a narcissist is someone who hunts down vulnerable people to manipulate and gain power over them. They are usually charming, outgoing, successful, and highly persistent. Often time spontaneous. They are consumed with themselves but have an enate ability to pick up on their victims' weaknesses. They usually bombard you with what you want to hear, becoming the perfect match. You'll think you hit the jackpot until you are shot down, confused about what hit you, and baffled about the facts or order in which interactions took place.
Recently I was struck by such a person. From the moment I met him, it was intoxicating. I felt euphoric, I couldn't stop smiling, and my insides were warm and tingly. My body was saying yes, but somewhere in my subconscious, I kept hearing a little voice saying this feels familiar. It feels dangerous. His words were complimentary, his stare intense but with a slight hint of sarcasm just enough that it sounded sexy.
Our first date was a whirlwind of fast conversation, him doing all the talking, dotted with nods as if he were listening when he'd give me a chance to speak. When our date ended, the streams of text messages began faster than I could read them. They were paragraphs of compliments mixed in with stereotypical perceptions of how he envisioned women. Before I could finish reading one, the next one would arrive, and the speed at which he changed subjects was epic. Every day all day long, the messages would arrive. Thinking of you messages, call me messages, your special messages, inviting me places messages. I would get good morning messages, sleep tight messages, and I miss you messages. It just went on. All the while, I was sucking it up, but my subconscious would not shut up. Consistently telling me this person was too much, but like an addict, I wanted to hear more of his compliments and seek more of his attention until I felt dizzy, almost drunk.
We saw each other probably five times during a two-week span. The two weeks felt like three months. But in between the spell I was under, I started to notice he had no boundaries. When I would say I could not do something because of a work commitment or my children, he would quickly make less of my responsibility or ask why he was not a priority.
I recognized many of the signs and warnings coming from the years of being with a narcissist. I still fell into this person's trap with that and all the therapy. I ignored my intuition telling me something was wrong. I ignored the signs that made me feel uncomfortable and confused. The icing on the cake was when he fell short on his promises, and I'd ask about it. He'd turn things around to make it seem like I was the one with a problem, not him, and still, I questioned myself. Knowing everything I Know.
Out of the blue, I suddenly stop hearing from him. Not for any reason unbeknownst to me. The calls, the text, the attention just stopped. Mind you. It does not mean he is gone. I figure he is lurking somewhere dormant, just waiting to come back and unsuspectingly wrapping me into his hypnotic trance when he gets bored doing whatever he is doing.
Even though his attentions were overwhelming and sometimes annoying, once I experienced the radio silence, I started to feel sad and almost heartbroken. I questioned myself as to how I could feel this way after only two weeks of knowing someone. Until it hit me, he tapped straight into my insecurities, my desire for attention, and my vulnerability to allow him space in my highly protected self, all in a two-week span.
I hope I learned a lesson, but I'm afraid I may fall into another trap again, even though I'll do my best to run! I will recover just like I always do. But the feeling I get from the attention I receive and the way my senses go off is a high that keeps me wanting more of the mind-manipulating, controlling attention narcissist offer.
The individuals who play these games look for a source to control to make themselves feel validated. Narcissists come in all shapes, sexes, and sizes, and some are more obvious than others, but one thing is for sure they are sad individuals worthy of pity. They will never know what it feels like to be free and experience just being grateful for each moment and breath they take. I have decided to convert my sadness to energy and be thankful I can exist without needing a host to make me feel grand.
I reflect and talk about how I keep falling into these traps because it makes me more self-aware, and I hope others read it, resonate with it and realize they are under a spell. Some people have a hard time recovering after each interaction. In my case, for a split second, I wondered about the purpose of trying to have a relationship if the end result of the euphoric high is a bad hangover with a case of the blues. Then I realized my worth is not based on anyone's compliments, attention, or affections. I am a soul that gleams with inner beauty, and my worth is simply in being. With every experience I have, I get stronger; and while I hope I will eventually stop attracting such characters into my life, it may be unavoidable. I will need to learn to follow my instincts, look for the signs and listen to my inner voice that says RUN, And If I don't run, learn to enjoy the ride and get off as quickly as possible.
I'd love to hear about your experience if you have one. Speak your truth.